"The only way out is always through..."

"The only way out is always through..."

                                                                                                           Robert Frost

I haven't had the chance to write in a week because I've been dealing with my own issues and what they meant, and so how could I write?... when the words weren't even clear to myself.  I am happy to say that through all the drama of this week- I have not cheated on the diet or gotten off track.  If anything, it helped me to regain focus and clarity.  I now know that food and alcohol will not solve my problems-- they are only a distraction.  I am on a mission to tackle my obstacles, so the last thing I need is interference.  So what happened that kept me off the keyboard for a week?
This week I broke up with my boyfriend.  We had been together for 9 months, and while the first seven were a fun roller coaster ride, the last two had become like riding in a car with no breaks.  Eventually, you hope the car stops moving before you hit something.
I made the decision to leave because I was becoming a person I did not like, and I could see that being in the relationship would be a conflict with my goals of trying to be the best I could be.  It wasn't that my boyfriend was a bad person, I actually still believe he has a huge heart and tried as best he could, but the reality was that circumstances had hit us both, and rather than try to fix one-and-other, we needed to focus on ourselves.  I did loved him, but in the end I loved "ME" more!
Is it selfish?  I asked myself this question over and over again.  But the reality is that-  if I am not ok for me- how can I ever be ok for him, or anyone else?
At first he thought it was because I had lost weight and because I was committed to reaching my goal weight.  He believed that I wanted someone else.  That I was with him because of my weight, but when I was back to being "normal", I would want someone better.  Who knows maybe there's a slight truth to that, but this was not the reason for my decision.
We discussed taking a break, but when I went to his apartment to get my computer...something came over me.  He wasn't home. I began packing my things, and trekking up and down the stairs to my car with my things.  Anyone that knows me will tell you- "I'm a runner"!  When things get difficult, or I just don't want to deal with something- I run- and I don't look back.  I have ran across the country, even across the globe, and every time- leaving EVERYTHING behind.  Only to start all over again and repeat the same process again and again.
This time it was different!  I had to take my things! I had to make sure they were packed and organized and NOTHING was left behind- not even the trash.
Somehow, I realized what I never had before-- these were MY things- these were me.  Every other time I looked at the things as "replaceable" even though I've left things behind that I will never be able to replace-- from pictures to a classic car.  I don't know if I wanted to take my things or if I just didn't want to leave them behind- I guess in the end it's rather the same thing.
I packed my two laptops, my library of books, my clothes, shoes, dishes, bathroom supplies, I even took the dish detergent dispenser.  I only took the things that were mine.  I also took any trash of mine threw it in a bag and dumped it on the curb on my way out.  I came back in one last time, looked around, took a deep breath, left the keys, walked out and drove away.
I know there are still a lot of things I need to work through -things that I have either been in denial about or completely ignored.  My weight, is just one of those things, but my progress has given me the confidence to know that I am in control of one area of my life, and I can gain control of the rest as well.
I've come to the realization that every little thing is one step forward. The time doesn't matter- the direction does.  I know I am heading in the right direction.  I am ready to tackle the journey, and I know the maze is long.  I know that I will hit a wall once in a while, and probably come upon the same wall more than once, but I believe that there is a way through!  and it is the journey through, that will teach me how to continue to be the best that I can be, when I get to the other side!




Picture from: http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/aspect3d/aspect3d0910/aspect3d091000059/5680947-high-quality-illustration-of-a-large-maze-or-labyrinth-please-see-my-portfolio-for-more-in-the-serie.jpg