Confessions (pictures!)

As you can see - I have lost weight before. I had the most amazing trainer though ( I would give anything to find him again), and started watching what I ate.

The problem was that once I reached my goal (the #), I started thinking I was back to being ok. I had put on the weight in the first picture in about 3 years. I was rather thin before this, but you know how it is when you go away to college- and I had REALLY "gone away".

Anyway, I had taken some time off from school and came back. I was feeling awful- I had not finished school- I was HUGE - and I left all my friends behind. At some point I hit rock bottom, and I started working on ME! I started doing better and re-applied to college and got in to my top choice school, which I wasn't able to go to before (looooong story).

I was gearing up for graduation- had completely changed my world upside down. Everything was great- except my weight- so I got a trainer for 3 months. The second picture was taken on my graduation day. It took about 6 months to drop the weight.

I had it all...my degree, my dream job lined up, my own apartment... BUT, little by little the stress got to me, and the pounds started to come back. Ever since, it's been a struggle, yo-yo'ing with my weight.

I managed to get my weight down yet again, but then I moved to Italy, and needless to say the Carbs killed me!!! THEN to top it all off- I broke my ankle and had to have surgery, which meant no exercise for over a month!!! Once my foot recovered, and I had made the decision to leave my job. I took a year off to travel. I would go to the most amazing place- and had the greatest experiences. I had bought a new camera and loved traveling and taking pictures. BUT-- I would always delete any pictures of myself because I looked awful (overweight).

I think I have reverse anorexia - is there such a thing? I mean I was never "big" when I was young- I started putting on the weight in my mid 20s, and so when I close my eyes and picture myself - I never see a "fat" person. Even looking in the mirror, I don't see what I see when I see a picture of myself. AND THEN IT HITS- -"oh ...my...God!!!"

During my last trip before returning to the states, I had an epiphany- I realized there were so many things I was missing from my life because of my weight. I used to be "outdoorsy" I snowboarded, hiked, mountain climbed-- what had happened to this person? Had I traded all this in for pizza and beer? It was sad. So again I started a diet. I am always most motivated by seeing other people's before and after pictures (if they can do it - I can do it too), and in my google searches, I was always getting "the biggest looser" images, so I started reading Jillian Michaels books. Basically I started tracking my calories and exercising. I took up belly dancing and boxing and was keeping active. This was last year- and I lost almost 20lbs in 3 months.

So what happened?

Well, I got the itch to travel again. I went back to Europe for a month and back to Italy (Carb country) and the diet went out the window. I hadn't seen my friends in a loooong time and I missed them, so we would go out and it was - a spaghetti alla carbonara here- Bucatini all'amatriciana there- and everything accompanied by wine- and lots of it!

Well the weight didn't come back overnight. It actually took almost a year. I think this is the biggest problem for me-- that I don't really "notice" it. I know this must sound CRAZY!!!

But- I have clothes in my closet that range from a size 8 to a size 18, so I always had something to wear, and I was happy so I didn't notice it as much- well until a couple of weeks ago (see Day 5 AM blog) when one day - I felt totally defeated.

So here I am yet again, but this time I have- a plan- support -and, I'm documenting everything. I think as long as I keep hiding and thinking I'm not fat- I won't change because I don't really face the fact that I have a HUGE problem. a 70lb problem (now 62lb) - literally weighing me down. So here I am posting the WORST picture I could find of myself. This is a picture someone posted on FB-- I almost DIED when I saw it! But the truth is - it's me. Just to be fair- I'll post another picture- one of me that my friend found on someone else's FB albums. It's a picture of me in high school. I think these 2 pictures are the EXTREMES of my body.